I Thought I Had More Time

I thought I had more time.

When you were a baby the years stretched out on a seemingly endless horizon. The notion that you would one day turn 18 and leave home for college seemed a lifetime away. All I could see right then was the precious baby with her big blue eyes and that adorable smile lighting up her face.

I figured I had years and years. I should have known better.

And then you became a toddler, and later a preschooler, and you wanted to do things for yourself that I had always done for you. I was proud of your independence but I started to think about the time coming all too soon when you would begin elementary school.

I thought I still had lots of time left with you.

You were only 5 and in kindergarten. You had trouble getting used to the idea of being at school all day, and I had trouble getting used to you being away from me. But I had your baby sister at home and she was a real handful, keeping me busy most of the time, so I didn’t really notice how fast the time was passing. I volunteered at the school so I could still see you during the day sometimes. Besides, we still had years and years together.

I really thought we’d have more time.

And then you got further on in elementary school and you started wanting to spend time with your friends, so we set up playdates and hosted sleepovers and watched you blossom. Your personality emerged more and more, and it was a delight to note all the ways we were alike and different. You definitely got your singing voice from me, but your eyes from your Dad. You loved it when I came to eat lunch with you at school.

Time flew on but I knew we still had almost a decade before you graduated high school. Lots of time left.

Intermediate school came and you surprised yourself by winning the school spelling bee. After a while you found your way socially and expanded your group of friends. More playdates (except they were called “hanging out” now) and sleepovers went on, and sometimes we even took friends with us on summer vacations. I loved watching you with your friends and seeing you interact. I started missing you a little, and the way I used to have you all to myself.

There was still more than five years until graduation but I could feel the loss of you already beginning.

Then came middle school, and a big move to another state. Lots of adjustments were happening and some came easily while others came at a cost. Too often it was you who suffered the most. Throughout it all you were doing your best to be a good sport and live up to our expectations. It was painful to watch you struggle to find friends in our new home, but your father and I cheered you on as you reached out and made connections, even though we knew sometimes you would rather curl up in your room with anime videos than risk rejection.

I realized that the thought of you packing your things in a few short years to move into a dorm room was enough to take my breath away. Where did the time go?

Then over the summer there was a boy who wanted to be more than a friend to you. He hung out at our house a few times and it dawned on me that one day you would meet a young man who would deserve your love (he will have to be a rare specimen indeed) and you would link arms with him and make a home of your own. I wondered how well we as parents had prepared you for such a thing.

I think my Mama heart stopped for a few seconds when I thought about you getting married one day.

This year you started high school and it was tough. Good grades require more and more of your time and effort. You have more friends and you’ve developed new interests and ways of thinking that both surprise and delight me. What a marvelous person you’re turning out to be! You are caring, thoughtful, and incredibly creative, not to mention talented and beautiful. You don’t waste time worrying about others’ opinions of you – you follow your own path. Your father and I are so incredibly proud of you!

But along with the maturity comes the natural desire to forge your own identity and this sometimes causes you to want to spend time alone, and that’s okay. Because sometimes when you emerge from your cocoon you want hugs and back rubs and to sit close to us on the couch. In those times I see glimpses of that baby girl you used to be, and she doesn’t seem so far off.

I truly thought I would have more time. And I wonder: did I savor your childhood, or did I rush through it while anticipating the next stage? Did I overlook the joy of the day in my curiosity about what tomorrow might bring?

Did I wish your younger years away in my eagerness to see you grow up? And furthermore, have your Dad and I done a good job of preparing you to grow up? We thought we’d have so much more time for that.

It is so ironic that when children are younger they are desperate for their parents’ attention and the parents aren’t always willing to give it. And yet when they get older and they no longer seem to need that constant attention, the parents miss giving it.

We will follow your lead and let you grow up at your own pace, even though there are days when we wish we could slow down the passage of time, because every day brings us closer to the day that you will one day leave home to make a life of your own. Which is as it should be.

But that doesn’t make it any easier to take. Meanwhile maybe you can be patient with your parents for wanting to be around you so much. We’re just trying to prepare ourselves for the day when you’re not here all the time.

Award Season

It happens every year around this time. Social media lights up with the happy news of  college acceptances, dances, parties, and school awards. Smiling faces beam as parents share the accomplishments of their children. And of course they should celebrate these things. When hard work pays off there should be recognition and celebration, right?

 

While I am not an advocate of giving awards for just continuing to breathe (that’s its own reward, eh?),  I admit I sometimes get weary of watching some awesome kids get overlooked again and again while other equally awesome kids get rewarded over and over. The overlooked ones endure the season of ceremonies, parties, and graduations, never once hearing their name announced and yet they have so much to offer the world. The world just doesn’t know it yet.

So here’s to the brave ones, the kids who sit alone in the cafeteria day after day and still show up.

The kids who don’t get invited to the parties and proms, who are left at home to see on social media all the fun they missed.

The kids who work extra hard and study for hours for that big test, only to receive a disappointing grade yet again.

The kids who get pushed around in the school hallways or on the playground by bullies and get back up time after time.

I see you trying. You matter. You’re a winner in my eyes.

Here’s to the ones who have a less-than-ideal home life, who worry about what’s going to happen next.

The ones who don’t live in a house, who live in a shelter or with family, or even in a car.

The ones who hate for school to end because with the school year ends the hot meals they can rely on at least five days of the week.

The ones who see violence and abuse in the home, sometimes against themselves, for whom school represents safety.

You deserve a medal. And a safe home, and a hot meal, and relief from worry. You’re a winner because you persevere.

The kids for whom simply sitting still in class and paying attention require monumental effort.

The ones who struggle at reading or writing or math because they have a condition like dyslexia or dysgraphia or dyscalculia, and it’s invisible so it either goes undetected or unassisted. (yes, those are all real things)

The kids who fly so far under the radar that they fade into the background and are forgotten by both classmates and teachers.

You are special, intricately crafted in the image of your Creator. You are made to do big things. Don’t ever forget that. You’re a winner to me.

The ones who don’t make the sports team or the Honor Roll or the class play, but still keep trying.

The kids who feel like they are not good at anything because they don’t fit the world’s mold.

The ones who are talented and gifted, but not in the ways that a school or the world normally recognizes.

Keep trying, dear ones. People are noticing and applauding you, even if you don’t see it. You are uniquely gifted by the One who made you.

One day these children will grow up and it’s quite likely that none of them will remember who won what award in 3rd grade, or 6th grade, or 11th grade, unless perhaps they were one of the award winners.

For all the kids out there who are feeling left out, not worthy, and unseen in this season: I stand and applaud you. The world needs you and your uniqueness. I wish I could hang a medal around your neck just so you could have a tangible reminder of how special you are.

For everyone who loves one of those kids, keep loving them wholeheartedly and without reservation or condition. They need to know someone’s in their corner and that they have a safe place to land so they can become all that God created them to be.

And for all you teachers out there going beyond the call of duty, I honor you for the way you love “your” kids. You share your heart, your wallet, your talents, your time, and sometimes your lunch to give them the best school experience possible. I see you, and God sees your sacrifices for these precious ones. They are jewels in your crown, treasure being laid up in Heaven.

Hang in there, sweet ones. Your time is coming.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. – Romans 5:3-4

What I Want My Daughters to Learn from “The Bachelor”

My dearest daughters,

You may have heard of a television program called “The Bachelor” and its sister program “The Bachelorette”. Hopefully you haven’t actually seen them yet but since it appears the series has no intention of ending any time soon, you are bound to be exposed to it one day. If you can, avert your eyes and change the channel quickly. But if, like me, you find yourself in a weak moment and drawn in by the spectacle of 25 nice-enough-looking young ladies throwing off every shred of dignity and self-respect (and clothing!) in an effort to capture the affections of one questionably worthy young man, here are a few things to remember.

1.  Men enjoy the chase. If you don’t believe me, ask your father. Most guys think the idea of 25 women vying for their attention would be a dream come true but the truth is most of them would get overwhelmed or bored by it. You don’t need to make it too easy for the guys you date when you reach dating age (around age 30 should be fine) but that doesn’t mean you should play hard to get either. There is a middle ground. If you’re interested, it’s fine to show it a little (does anyone remember the fine art of flirting?), but leave it at that and don’t fawn all over a guy. Let him earn your attention and it will mean more to him. Wait for HIM to call YOU and ask you out on a date, and let him make the arrangements. And you can bet that if he’s the type who wants all the ladies to come to him and make it effortless, he’s not going to have much ambition for anything else either. Like finding and keeping a job, for example.

(I’m aware that most teenaged boys are not entirely sure how dating works either and my “antiquated” ideas about it might mean you don’t go out much until you’re older. I’m OK with that.)

I’m also thinking about all those girls on The Bachelor who think it helps the relationship progress if they physically throw themselves at him. What if he doesn’t want to kiss you? You’re leaving him no graceful way to say “no”. How about you let him anticipate that first kiss for a little while instead? I think it says a lot about a girl’s opinion of men in general when she acts as though guys are all ruled by their sexual urges. Good men aren’t slaves to lust.

(side note: when I was a teenager my mother told me not to call boys. I thought that was a stupid rule. After all, if I didn’t call them they might not call me. I now know it’s not a stupid rule, and it’s the rule at our house. Blame Grandma.)

2.  Preserve some mystery. Yes, I’m going to talk about modesty because clearly no one on The Bachelor is familiar with the concept. I’m not going to talk about sex outside of marriage because you already know where our family stands on that issue and as soon as I say the word “sex” you’re usually so mortified that anything I say afterward gets lost in the shuffle.

Once upon a time it was considered scandalous for a lady to show her ankles. Apparently men in those days could not be trusted to contain their lust at the sight of a luscious pair of ankles, but luckily today’s men can handle themselves better. However, that’s no reason to let it all hang out, girls. Show some respect for your body and the people around you, and choose clothing that is appropriate. I’m not saying we should not be satisfied with our bodies or even a little bit proud of the way we’re taking good care of ourselves, but the world does not need to see all your goodies. Some things need to be left to the imagination, and those same areas need to be preserved for your husband and/or your gynecologist. Bachelor contestants, If the producers feel the need to put a little black rectangle over part of your body, that’s a sign. We don’t need to see all that. In general, girls, when in doubt cover it up.

The Bible tells us that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. Let’s treat them that way.

3.  Oversharing does not = closeness.  Oh girls. I cannot emphasize this one enough. Sometimes you meet someone and you either feel like you’ve known them forever or you want to know them forever, and you may feel the urge to share some intimate detail or story from your past to help you feel closer to each other. Don’t. In the beginning stages of a relationship, both of you are on a need-to-know basis. Someone who has been on one or two dates with you does not need or want to hear about the time you wet your pants during the class spelling bee or drove your car into a tree after your high school boyfriend broke up with you or that you can’t sleep unless all your spices are in alphabetical order. All of these facts do indeed shape who you are, yes, and I get that you think it will help them understand you. But people need to know you better before they can be trusted to properly handle such traumatic information. It doesn’t make you closer. It makes the hearer uncomfortable and the sharer look desperate. Bachelor ladies, the television viewers are squirming in their La-Z-Boys when you start spilling your guts prematurely. That’s called word vomit and it’s just as distasteful as it sounds.

4.  Jealousy is ugly. The very premise behind The Bachelor is designed to encourage jealousy, with certain girls getting picked for one-on-one dates and others feeling left out. There is always a time during each episode that finds the girls jockeying for position and trying to get “alone time” with the bachelor, and there’s always at least one girl who dissolves in tears because she didn’t get “her time” and she was coming over to talk to him and so-and-so got there first but she talked to him earlier already and it’s just not fair. Does this make her seem more attractive? No. When I met your father he was dating four other girls. All were just “friends” that he liked to go out and have fun with, but it would have been so easy for me to get jealous. I can only say it was through God’s power and not my own, but I decided that if he wanted to be with me, that’s where he would be and if not, then I didn’t need him. I had my moments for sure, however I didn’t let jealousy get a foothold and I figured if your Dad wasn’t the guy for me, God would send me someone even better. Because God is awesome like that.

5. Don’t waste your time together talking about other people. Ashley I., I’m looking at you. She whined and cried last week because she didn’t get her one-on-one time and then when she did, she spent half of it complaining about the other girls. Um, no. I don’t know about Bachelor Chris but whenever someone starts trash talking another person to me, I remember the words of Dr. Phil, “If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you.” A person who will gossip about Susie to you will likely gossip about you to Susie. Don’t be that person. Don’t let other people be the subject of your conversation on a date.

Also, Ashley? By talking about all those other girls all you’re doing is reminding him how much more pleasant they were to be with because they weren’t whining about everyone else.

6.  Real love is not a game. Yes, The Bachelor is a game show of sorts with contestants and one hapless man as the prize, bless his heart. What viewers (like me) tend to forget is that these are real people (like me) with feelings and dreams and a whole back story that we don’t usually get to see. It’s easy to sit at home and pick these ladies apart – after all, they applied and competed to get on this show, ostensibly to win the heart of a man they’d never even met before. I don’t understand what drives that decision. But I hope you remember in years to come that when a boy asks you out on a date, he has feelings just like you do and if you aren’t interested in getting to know him there are kind ways to let him know. Let him keep his dignity and don’t dent his self-confidence, and likewise don’t pretend to like him if you really don’t because it wastes your time and his. Don’t let yourself get caught up in a game of trying to win someone’s attention if you aren’t really interested.

Sweeties, I don’t ever want you to look to television, especially not The Bachelor, for your idea of how a woman should behave. That’s my job, and if I’m doing it right you should be able to hear my voice over all the noise the world is making.

Love You Forever,

Mom

To My Daughter

I see you.

I see your 12-year-old self trying to navigate your way through a broken and confusing world.

I see you struggling to find your identity, your place in life.

I see you longing for someone to see you, really see you for all of who you are.

I see you looking for acceptance, wanting to fit in and yet stand out.

I see you.

I have a few words for you, my sweet girl.

Wait.

Just wait.

This world today tells you to grow up and grow up fast.  But there’s another way.  You don’t have to dive headlong into parts of life your brain and heart are emotionally unprepared to handle.

You can wait.

Wait for boys.  No offense to parents of 12 year old boys, but really, they are nothing to cry over. Or obsess over.

Wait for them to grow up.  Wait for you to grow up.

You can wait, although our culture tells you now, now, now.

You can swim against the current that says it’s perfectly fine for your 9 year old sister to have a boyfriend. (It’s not.)

You can quietly refuse to follow the dictates of a microwave society where instant gratification feels like a right.  I’ll stand with you.

In a time when some of your classmates are wearing eyeliner and performing beauty rituals to rival those of the hottest Hollywood starlet, you can be the naturally gorgeous girl that you are.

You don’t have to flaunt your body.  I know the magazines, TV shows and movies all say that’s the way to attract male attention, and it will get you attention, that’s true.  But the kind of attention you’ll get by showing too much skin is not the good kind.

The flirtiness?  Yes, it’s all in fun but be careful.

Because the boys who are drawn to girls who show it all, who flirt outrageously, those aren’t the boys who will stick around.

Beware of getting sucked in by the desire for attention.  It can drive you to do some silly and downright dangerous things.

Guard your heart, girl.

Don’t give away all your mystery too soon.

You are worth so much more than that.  Remember, God found you worthy of His only Son.

It’s OK to wait.

There will be those among your peers who question your choices, try to change your mind, exclude you, or bully you.  There are always going to be those people in life.  Sometimes people feel threatened if you don’t think the same way they do.

Wait anyway.  Your Daddy and me, we’ve got your back.

Act your age.  Not 14, not 16, and heaven forbid, not 18.

Don’t rush to toss your childhood off for the next big thing.

Ride bikes, color, jump on the trampoline.  Play with dolls.  Act silly.  Write stories.

Play.

In a world where 8 year olds carry iPhones, don’t be in such a hurry to grow up.  Trust me, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

You don’t have to know what you want to be when  you grow up.  I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up.

There is time still.

Time to figure out who you are and more importantly, Whose you are.

Time to grow into the woman God designed you to be.

And then one day a man (not a boy) will come along who will see you, and love you, and cherish you like the treasure you are.

Wait for that one.  Don’t give your heart away too soon or too easily.

Be the girl he has to pursue.  God designed him that way, you know, to pursue.

Don’t be in a hurry to grow up.

Wait.

Take your time.