2019, What Have You Done to Me?

I feel as though I should wrap up 2019 before I embark on my 2020 journey.

2019’s Word of the Year was Surrender. I hated it and loved it all at the same time. It’s scary for a control freak to surrender anything, yet it was a relief to “let go and let God”, as they say. And believe me, I got plenty of opportunities to practice surrendering.

I started a weight loss plan in January 2019, after having the highest ever (for me) A1c in December 2018. That’s a blood test for type 2 diabetics that shows how much sugar has been in their blood in the past three months. Mine was 8.1 and it scared me. My paternal grandmother had diabetes and it went undetected for years, which led to multiple amputations and strokes. I am 55 years old and I don’t want that for myself, so something had to be done. I signed up for Noom and I am thrilled to report that I have lost 40 pounds in the past year. I could go on and on about Noom and how it has quite literally changed the way I think about food and eating, but I won’t do that here. Different things work for different people, and this is the first thing that has worked for me long term. I have 12 pounds to go until I reach my goal, but even if I don’t lose any more weight I am happy right where I am. I don’t feel deprived and my A1c was down to 6.8 back in September, so things are moving in the right direction.

“Surrender” hit me hard in the area of my parenting. Parenting is not for the weak, and there are always some children who seem to need more directing and yet resist it with every fiber of their being. I have one of those. 2019 was the year when she tested every limit she could find, throwing herself into every barrier we erected to try to reign her in. I kept hearing God tell me that He loves her so much more than we do, and that I need to surrender her to His care. That is totally the opposite of what society says to do. Society says that we should build walls and try to control her behavior. Well, we tried that this year and it completely backfired on us. My husband and I have had to re-evaluate our parenting style with this kid and try new tactics, and so far things have calmed down somewhat. She still participates in activities that we wish she would not, however we have accepted that we cannot force her to stop, so we are currently concentrating on the things we CAN do, with God’s help, and working to maintain a relationship with her and build trust so that we can be there to help her when she is ready to make changes.

In June my middle daughter graduated high school. My mother came to visit and celebrate with us, for only the second time since we’ve been in Virginia. The day she arrived, we received a phone call from my brother with the horrific news that his wife had unexpectedly passed away in her sleep. We put my mother on a plane back home the very next day so she could help my brother through an experience that no one should ever have to endure.

We celebrated a new addition to our family with the birth of our grandson in November. He is gorgeous and sweet and everything we never knew we needed.

And then there was my health. You hear over and over that losing weight is good for your health, and I suppose it is (witness my A1c levels). However, 2019 was the year that the wheels came off healthwise. It all started in March, when I began having trouble sleeping. I was having pain in my shoulders and back, and I was convinced it was due to our old mattress, so we shopped around and bought a new one but it didn’t help. The back pain gradually went away with the help of an orthopedist and some good drugs, but then my shoulders got worse and my hands decided to join the party. I remember on July 4 I was in the backyard pool and telling a friend that neither my hands nor my shoulders were operating normally. I saw the orthopedist again, got some advice, and moved on. Well, sort of. The hands got better but my shoulders continued to hurt, and I was eventually diagnosed with frozen shoulder. I have to say that I had no idea how important full shoulder function could be. Washing my hair was painful. I couldn’t lift my arms over my head or reach around my back. Getting dressed and undressed was difficult. Rolling over in bed was agony. I could barely style my hair because I couldn’t reach up or behind my head. I had steroid shots (ouch!) and a closed manipulation, plus lots of physical therapy. The shoulder never made a full recovery but I figured that I would just deal with it, since frozen shoulder usually goes away on its own in about a year.

But then my knees got into the act. The week of Thanksgiving I hobbled into the after hours clinic at the orthopedic office because my knees were aching like crazy. X-rays showed nothing so I was sent on my way with a knee brace, oral steroids, and a follow-up appointment. I felt great on the two weeks of steroids – even my frozen shoulders felt better – but then they wore off and my hips and shoulders joined my knees in a great bodily chorus of pain. Sleeping was difficult and I could no longer roll over in bed. On more than one occasion I had to have my husband physically pull me out of bed because I could not get up by myself. That’s humbling for someone who has always been as independent as I have. There is more to this story but I will address it in my next post. But surrendering my health issues to God’s hands was nervous-making but oh so necessary.

So weight loss is fantastic. Weight loss while dealing with parenting issues and joint pain is quite amazing, if I do say so myself. I’ve learned a lot in 2019 that I will take into the next decade. Surrendering is not weak, it is an act of courage – a demonstration of faith in Someone much stronger and wiser than I am. Surrender is freeing. More than anything, I have learned that God is faithful and He can be trusted. He has come through for me time and time again and He will do it over and over, now and forevermore.