There are days when the words inside my head and heart strain and push to get out, leaking through the cracks in dribs and drabs. There are days when my fingers can’t move fast enough to capture the thoughts and insights pouring out of my mind and heart. Then there are days when my brain feels as dry as a desert and there’s nothing to offer. And finally there are days like these.
Days when the weary monotony of the “have-to” list drown out the siren call of the “want-to” or even the “called-to” list. Days when the dishes won’t stay caught up and the cat throws up on the carpet and three girls want to do three different activities. All at once. With me. And somehow making the time to write finds a home on the bottom of the to-do list.
And then if I miraculously do find myself facing a blank page on the screen, my mind seems to be just as blank. Now what?
Life is moving along at lightning speed and it doesn’t slow down for much. Except in the hard and bad times, when it seems to be moving at a snail’s pace.
And I look around me and everyone else seems to be doing stuff that really matters, and I’m not doing much of anything. At least that’s how it looks from here.
Oh, this is not a whiny post, or at least I don’t mean it to be that. It’s more of a stream of consciousness post. Bear with me. I’m going somewhere with this.
I want so much. I want to be an involved Mom. I want to be more intentional with this blog. I want to write more articles and short stories. I want to write a book (I can’t believe I just put that in writing!). I want to go to writers’ conferences. I want to take better care of my health and fitness. I want to spend more time in the Word. All those wants, and then there are the needs, like the need to find a part-time job when school starts back in order to get some bills paid off.
But what does God want of and for me?
Maybe it all comes back to this: Love God. Love others. Everything I do should flow out of my love for Him and my willingness to let Him love others through me.
So it’s summer here for a little less than six more weeks, when school starts back. I should just accept that it’s going to be a little hectic until then and write in the stolen moments like right now, when 2/3 of the children in my care are still sleeping. Should they be up? Probably. Am I going to wake them up? Not a chance!
Until my time is more free I will need to be content with loving God (reading His Word, spending time in prayer whenever possible, meditating on scripture, posting verses around the house to keep them in mind, worshiping through music) and loving others (my husband, my kids, my friends, my kids’ friends, my church family, my online friends, other parents at the cheer gym, the cashier at Kroger, etc.) and maybe putting the focus on others will take my attention off me and all those wants.
Because one day I’ll find myself with all kinds of free time. My kids will be grown and either moved out or off doing whatever grown kids do, and I will miss this needing. It’s hard to believe in the days when I can’t find a free moment to shower, but one day I will have the freedom to shower several times a day if I want to. No one will ask me to make their lunch or pop some popcorn, and I won’t need to break up some sibling argument.
And I have to admit that this oh-so-busy life is full, rich with moments that I wish I could properly capture and put on the page because they are truly God-given gifts. Rides in the van with one or the other of my daughters when we let down our guard and talk about things that matter, like faith, and boys, and adoption. Walks at the mall when she reaches out to take my hand even though she’s long past the age when she needs my help navigating a parking lot. Splashing together in the pool. Sitting with her on the couch snuggled up watching a movie. Spending kid-free time with my husband on a last minute 24-hour anniversary trip. Reading a book after they’re all in bed. Reading the Bible and a devotional over a cup of coffee before the kids wake up.
I see now that it’s a rich life I lead, y’all. The Lord is my shepherd and I lack nothing.
May I wander through these chaotic remaining days of summer vacation with eyes open for those rich moments and a heart grateful for the life I’ve been given.