It seems like forever since I joined up with my FMF pals! Between getting the kids back in school and trying to find a new rhythm to life, writing has slid further and further down my to-do list and that’s just not right. So today I’m stepping in and stepping up to write from the heart, for five minutes, without polishing, editing and all that other overthinking. Want to play along? Go to Kate’s blog for all the details.
I don’t like change and I am a careful person who likes to think through the details and all the eventualities before making a big move. When we moved here to Virginia three months ago (has it really been only three months? Seems like years.) I kept a notebook. It had diagrams of all the rooms in our new house so I could decide how to place furniture, lists of things to pack, all my notes on doctors (apparently we require a lot of professional care), and information on schools and activities for my kids. It was a great help and I still consult it regularly.
I think this cautiousness is born of my need for control, which is related to my frustrated perfectionism. This is something I struggle with constantly. I’m always giving things to God and then snatching them back like He’s untrustworthy or something. And yet time and time again He has proven to me that He alone should be in control of my life and that He can be trusted. He created me and He knows me – who better to direct my life?
But even with all my careful planning I still wasn’t ready when the day came to move. I’m not sure I ever would be completely ready. There were still so many preparations yet to be done. But you know, sometimes you just have to jump off the diving board, ready or not, because if you wait until you feel ready your feet will remain stuck there. Just like kids playing Hide and Seek, life keeps coming, ready or not. There are so many things I would never have done if I had waited until I felt ready: have my first child, get married, adopt, buy a house, take a job, leave a job, and on and on. But here’s where the trust comes in: God is there and He’s my soft place to land. I know He’s got my whole life in His hands and I don’t have to wait until I’m completely ready because He’s always and forever ready. He fills in my empty spaces and bridges the gaps so I don’t have to have it all together before I take that first step. Sometimes He just wants me to trust Him enough to jump – ready or not.