Once upon a time, I wished for more time to myself. I wanted time to think, to write, to watch TV shows that didn’t involve sports or the Disney channel, to read books both to learn and purely for pleasure. With a tween who needs supervision and guidance, and a younger child who seemed to only need ME most of the time, alone time was in short supply.
In October I thought my time was coming. My husband took a new job 6 hours away in a different state, and due to the needs of our children we decided that he would go ahead to the new state and start working, and I would stay here with the children until school is out next May. On weekends he would come home so we could all be together. I had visions of quiet time after the kids were in bed – time that I could use for all those activities I never seemed to get enough of. I’d have more than enough time to do all the things I’ve been missing out on. Scads of time, really.
Let’s just say it hasn’t quite worked out that way. There is a lot that goes into getting two girls out the door to two different schools every day while getting myself out the door to work on time. When we were all in one house, my husband and I worked together to do all the things: packing lunches, signing school paperwork, reviewing homework, etc. Now….it’s just me. I’ve already told him this, but I can see now how much he was contributing to the everyday running of the household.
So my days tend to run together, what with work, school and extracurricular activities for the kids. And all that time I thought I’d have at night after they’re in bed, well, I spend it trying to get ahead on the next morning – packing lunches and snacks, signing paperwork and reading logs, etc. By the time I do all that it’s time to get myself in bed because 5:30 comes early, y’all. In fact I should be setting up tomorrow right this minute but instead I’m desperately writing this post, like I just need to get the words out of my system before I choke on them. A kind of word vomit, if you will.
And the ideas for posts keep coming but I don’t have time to write them down. And the links to sparkling, inspirational posts by friends keep popping up on my Twitter feed, but I don’t have time to read those any more than I have time to write my own. I feel like that furry guy up there on the wheel, running and running but getting nowhere. If I didn’t need sleep I might actually get caught up.
I need to work on my business website and my blog website. I need to find time for Bible study. I need to find time to actually eat a healthy meal instead of a bowl of cereal or something from a fast food joint. I need to be able to connect with friends both online and face to face. Christmas is coming and for the first time in years I am totally unorganized. I have no plan for gifts or baked goods or cards or parties or any of that. It’s haphazard and that just doesn’t work for a control lover like me. My Advent observance is, like everything else, hit or miss.
Some days it feels like a victory that we all got fed and were where we needed to be at the right times. Who am I kidding? That IS a victory!
The good thing is that this household fracture is just temporary. This time next year we’ll all be together again and this period of time will be a (mostly) distant memory.
Meanwhile I’ll keep treading water and trying not to drown in all the “have to’s” so that maybe one day I’ll get to the “want to’s”.
Just in case you wondered where I’ve been. 🙂